This past week has been an intense one. Intensely difficult and yet wonderfully transformative. My love, Nick and I have been creating a home together over the last month and this week everything slipped into place. Meanwhile there was a flood at the house in Ojai I own with my sister Dominoe. My relationship with Dominoe has, at times, been really difficult and emotional. Dealing with this mess triggered a lot of our old patterns and old hurt but forced conversations about partnership and ownership and what our home means to us both.
In light of all of this I have been thinking a lot about my relationship to these spaces and my partners.
First up, the LA apartment has been a chameleon space for me over the last four years. It has become the most interesting spacial mirror for my life. I have broken down, broken through, rediscovered, grieved, surrendered, celebrated and embraced myself and so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and people in this space. I worked through my relationship with my mom after she died here. I fell in love with my soulmate here. I have redecorated, experimented, torn apart and redesigned this place more times than I can count on my hands.
In contrast, the previous place I shared with my ex was entirely about control and conformity. We didn't quite fit together. Our place wasn't quite right. My work wasn't exactly coming together. I ignored all little intuitive feelings and pushed forward with the life I was creating and the home that was decorated accordingly. It was handled, perfectly perfect and totally fraudulent.
Everything eventually fell apart and I found myself on my own again in this little apartment with original hardwood floors and bright sunlight. With the smoke and mirrors gone, I had to take a look at myself. Its a period in my life that included the death of my mom and then my dad and the mourning of that life that I had struggled to build, but also the blossoming of this more connected, organic, intuitive and loving everything. Me, friends, work, life and home evolved. Slowly I began to listen. My space told me what it wanted and how to take care of it in the same way my body did and my relationships did and my heart did. I stopped forcing my will upon my space and instead engaged in a deeper conversation. I moved things, lived with it for a moment and then moved them again. This would be the beginning of a much larger conversation I engage within my work.
The past few months have been so much about learning to live with another person. In my life partnership has been difficult. It has been hard for my to let go of control and fear and to surrender. This apartment and I have had a very intimate thing going. Creating space for Nick has been a process of letting go and letting in. To let in him and our dog and love and compromise. To let go of things I have inherited from a former life and my need to control and my fear. As I have struggled towards surrender, our home has organically evolved to feel like the safest, coziest and most considered lovely home of my dreams.
As this home has come together the other one has been busted open and my relationship with my sister, well that has been too. I will be posting that story soon.